A Night At The Can Opener

I went back to the Can Opener yesterday, not expecting much, and with these lowered expectations had a pretty damned good time. As promised, a chronicling of events that transpired last evening:

5:15pm: Meet my buddies Andy & Chad at Jack Astor's (their choice) for some pre-game food and drinks. Waitress, as per requirement, writes her name on our table. It's Nikki. After she leaves, I immediately bust out the "Cici... and Bret" which, on cue, Andy responds, "And don't forget Nikki!) (reference this Beavis & Butthead Poison viewing... [cue to the last 10 seconds])

5:49: Chad is overexcited thinking that Minka Kelly might be at the game watching Derek Jeter play. Little does he know that Jeter has the day off. And if Minka Kelly came to Toronto, it's much more likely that she would be in Yorkville than the Can Opener.

6:18: Superfast service allows us to leave the bar to head to the game. A limo pulls out infront of us, and 6 guys with Kid Rock t-shirts exit the back of the vehicle. It was a weird pastiche of cultural iconicity that made Andy certain that Kid Rock must be in that limo. None of us were concerned enough of this to investigate. Chad was really anxious to see Minka Kelly.

6:41: We buy our tickets at the ticket booth, and Chad is distracted. He points out that he notices someone familiar to him. He thinks he might be famous. Andy turns around to see who Chad is referring to. It ends up being some guy from Entertainment Tonight Canada. He's standing close to a guy who looks like T-Pain. Chad wants to ask the guy if he's T-Pain. I suggest otherwise.

6:58: Chad discovers that Jeter isn't playing. There is a single tear. Also, no sighting of Minka Kelly. I say it's doubtful she'll be sitting in the left field bleachers with us.

7:03: Some barbershop quartet is singing the anthems. Andy wonders out loud if the Backstreet Boys are the most succesful barbershop quartet of all time. I tell Andy that the Backstreet Boys had five members, so they can't be called a quartet. They'd have to be a barbershop quintet. Andy contemplates becoming the next Lou Pearlman and signing these guys. Chad reminds Andy that Pearlman is now in prison.

7:14: Joba is looking terrible, especially against this joke of a lineup. Chad is giddy thinking that Joba's pitch count and innings count could mark the promotion of Josh Towers soon... This would undoubtedly have Blue Jay fans heads explode having Hinske and Towers in the Yankee lineup at one time. Andy wonders outloud what has happened to Shea Hillenbrand. (Besides tending to his lemurs and minature horses)

7:19: Chad goes for a beer, and Halladay is mowing down batters. With a little bit of a lull, I pull out a trivia question for Andy (which I created from watching the flashback boards before the game). I ask him which five pitchers have the most saves in Blue Jays history. Andy quickly gets the top four (Henke, Ward, Koch, & Ryan), but can't think of the fifth. I give him three hints: (Primarily known as a starting pitcher, He isn't white, and he's currently in the AL West). He guesses Miguel Batista. He is wrong.

7:23: Chad gets back with his beer, Andy asks for Chad's help with the trivia question. He's given the three hints, and immediately guesses Miguel Batista. Still Wrong.

7:39: Halladay is still mowing down hitters. The bleachers are loving it. The game is actually pretty fun. I wonder if I should just simply go to Roy Halladay games. It's almost the only way to safely say that you might have a good time.

7:41: Chad says "Randy Myers?" I remind him that Randy Myers doesn't fit any of the three hints I gave him.

7:44: We realize that Rob Ducey is the Blue Jays alumni tonight for Flashback Fridays. Chad wonders if Paul Spoljaric had a previous engagement.

7:48: Chad says "Kelvim Escobar?" We have a winner.

8:12: I'm off to get a beer and notice a fairly attractive chick wearing a shirt that says "Please tell your Pants not to Point at me." Clearly, this is one classy broad.

8:26: Andy says, "Holy shit! It's a perfect game, so far!"

8:27: Halladay walks a hitter.

8:28: Andy says, "Well, at least it's still a no-hitter".

8:31: Halladay allows a base hit.

8:44: Two Yankee fans from Buffalo are pretending that there's actually a rivalry between Jay fans and Yankee fans. Blue Jay fans in the section are playfully chirping back at the Yankee fans. It seems like they are passionate, but it's hard to take the arguing seriously seeing that the Yanks are 20 games up on the Jays. Right now, it's akin to fans of Team Canada basketball chirping with Dream Team fans. "Oh yeah? Steve Nash is Canadian!!!"

9:03: Chad mentions how the Red Sox like stirring up community pride by blasting the Dropkicks in Fenway and asks if the Jays have a hometown song that riles up the Toronto fan base. Andy mentions that he's noticed that the Jays poor representation is this piece of merde.

9:56: Game was great! Almost worth the $36 tickets and $40 in booze! Off to make the best of the still young night. Contemplating going to Sunday's game.

9:59: Asked Andy and Chad if T-Pain could possibly replace Geddy Lee as the Jays #1 celebrity fan. Let's make it happen.


Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, write more of this shit. If slightly unoriginal, it's still fucking entertaining to read. POST MORE OFTEN, DAMNIT!

Benjamin said...

Dude-I was at astors yesterday and saw a guy with a whitesox rios shirt- that wasn't you was it?

Darryl said...

nope.. not me

Magic 8 Ball said...

Why didn't someone tell me about this blog before?

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